Well…. Not only did these fools not fire me, but they’re allowing me to write previews for events that aren’t even technically games now. Scrimmages? What next? Writing previews of funerals for players that don’t believe in vaccines or masks? Putting out a MarketWatch preview of Puma’s stocks once DeMarcus Cousins… No… DeAndre Ayton? Noooo. Marvin Bagley? Shit! Once… ummm.. Michael Porter Jr. suffers a leg/ankle injury in their shoes? Shoot, I might even write previews of articles to come from The Kings Herald! I heard a rumor that Tim is writing something lightly pessimistic and Twitter is going to take it way out of context! Bryant really likes some 18 year old’s fit for the Kings, so expect that kid to go elsewhere and thrive, or come here and discover his body has the current bone density of my grandmother. Rest in peace, Granny.
Fact of the matter is, basketball is back, regardless of the current social unrest or VIRAL PANDEMIC that has settled across America. Tillman Fertitta needs to pay James Harden and Russell Westbrook somehow, and 4.4 billion just doesn’t cut the checks like it used to, so the NBA has locked everyone but Richaun Holmes into a theme park resort hotel system, handed out a bunch of fishing poles and tried to keep Dwight Howard from any hot mic on the property until the season is over – all for the sake of that sweet, sweet TV money… and you know, entertaining the masses, of course. The Kings will have three scrimmages, eight games and fourteen healthy ankles to fight for the privilege of staying in the healthiest community in America, a parking lot away from the unhealthiest, most morally bankrupt, happiest place on Earth, in the least healthy state in a country that is dead set on balancing as many soul-crushing issues as reality will possibly allow at once.
The NBA is dancing in front of the mirror, listening to “Goodbye Horses” draped in jerseys with only the most sanitized, Caspar Milquetoast level social messages, with their James Dolan tucked between their legs and asking, “Would you watch me? I’d watch me so hard…” all while demanding that the Kings, stuck at the bottom of the well, “put the f**king ball in the basket”.
The one upshot I see for the Kings is that playing in basketball hell has prepared them ever so slightly for playing basketball in actual hell, which is where they are, right now. I’d say pray for their souls, but judging by the reports out of practice, I think it’s their soles that are in the most immediate danger.
Let’s talk Kings basketball!
When: July 22nd – 5:00 pm PST
Where: The HP Fieldhouse, ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex, Kissimmee, FL
TV: NBCSCA
Radio: KHTK Sports 1140 AM
For Your Consideration
If you made it through the first four-hundred and so words, congratulations! Here’s your preview for a scrimmage with 10 minute quarters, with limited players on both sides and whose only contribution to your day will be at worst, maybe getting to see someone you genuinely root for get injured and at best, allow you to gauge if Buddy Hield’s post Coronavirus lungs crinkle like chip bags as he runs. De’Aaron Fox, Marvin Bagley and Harrison Barnes will not be available to play today due to the Kings being cursed. Kendrick Nunn and Bam Adebayo are doubtful as well for the Heat, as they haven’t been with the team for most of their stay in Orlando. With these limited quarters, playoff ticket punched for one side and literally no incentive to play their starters big minutes, I’d expect both teams to take this as easy as possible, which will mean we’re much more likely to see a California Classic level Kyle Guy – Tyler Herro duel than we are a Buddy Hield – Jimmy Butler shoot out.
You’re a Kings fan, you understand all this. You’ll tune in anyways.
The sugar rush is wearing off and I have to see if I can photoshop Alex Len’s face on a dragon before this preview goes out first thing tomorrow morning, but I swear I’ll be in the comments tomorrow, so answer me this: what are your expectations for the first scrimmage in four months? Do you believe the “we’re going to run!” that they’ve been slowly pumping out of camp? Over/Under on pulled hammies by the end of the third scrimmage?
Prediction
The amount of “Well, what did you expect?” that you’ll have to read online will make your eyes bleed. The Kings Herald will correct their oversight and fire me.
Kings: 67, Heat: 61
I missed this.
Hey, this is not something like pre-season game……….
We need to play in full strength, and get your body well ready for the “8 games”
As Fox, Holmes, Barnes, Len is out…
Just play
1) CoJo, Yogi
2) Bodgan, Hield
3) Bazemore, Brewer
4) BJelly, Parker
5) Giles
no minuets should be given to other players and those bench warmer………
I agree. Maybe the starters shouldn’t play 40 minutes or anything but they should definitely be playing actual minutes. These games are supposed to warm them up for a playoff push.
That preview cover art is *chef’s kiss*
The burning honeycomb is scary. Hmm castle in a pandemic it is?
Caspar Milquetoast? You scare me, Will.
Was it too far into a bygone era to reference?
Nah. It just scares me you knew about a 1st half of the 20th century comic strip.
This is fucking awesome.
Yes, please!
I’ve missed your preview articles, Will.
I have missed you all terribly.
“What Marco Belinelli said to all of his three point attempts while he was a Sacramento King.”
Welcome back, King.
I’ve missed these so, so much. What other sports site can seamlessly integrate references to Silence Of The Lambs and a comic strip that hasn’t been in publication since the early-fifties into a game preview? None. None is the answer.
I was going to make a reference to Buffalo Bill’s dog getting lured to the edge of the well…. But that dog breaks its leg and I didn’t the Bagley family thinking I was talking about him.
“…see, my (Dad’s) a really important (man), but I guess you already knew that.”
Prediction time! Kyle Guy comes in off the bench and scores 15 points! Expect to see a lot of bench guys in this game being the first game in almost 4 months. Probably see some of the rotation guys get around 10-15 minutes.
With our roster fast crumbling to rubble,
We’ll scrimmage the Heat in the bubble.
Long-suff’ring Kings fans
Knew the NBA’s plans
Were nothing but asking for trouble!
NOW the previews are back
Woohoo!
If you don’t like that, you don’t like The Kings Herald.
Full mid-season form writings from WG and Jman. What times we are in that even the slightest amuse bouche of normalcy feels like an all you can eat buffet of entertainment.
Okay… so it’s a real preview now, folks.
It took Vox (and a pandemic) to break my old streak. Time to start a new one!
It’s not a streak, it’s an institution.
So you agree with Mrs. Jman that that’s where I belong!
Wait, I thought we were all in the institution already?
“The Kyle Guy Game”
Now comes the exciting bonus Kings. Or more, just the last 8 games of the season. You want to see what the young guys have. Can Kyle Guy play point guard and he’s not too small for the NBA. I want to see if Harry Giles doesn’t have to give away to much on defense to stay in the game. Can he find the balance? Has that improved. Can he give up being a 5 and play the 4 like he is destined?
Does Justin James have enough Christy in him. What does DaQuan Jeffries bring? I did want to see Bagley get some run, but that can wait till next year. The rest of the players, I’ve seen enough and want them to develop working on the craft in the off season.
I do want to see the Kings try harder than the other teams and have some fun. See what happens.
I’d want to get a required Tillman type and I’d take Smith in the draft. Yup, more 4′ & 5’s. Also, pick up some bench depth and run it again next year. No quick fixes. Build a team.
I won’t believe we’re gonna run til I see it like it’s Joerger out there yelling for it.
They talked about running all off season and then showed up barely crossing mid court before an 8 second violation.
See this other sports fan blogs? This is how you write entertaining, informative previews for your team.
Thanking whoever listens to my random thank yous I say to myself that Will writes for Kings fans.
That is one Baller preview!
Anyone know if the League Pass feed for this is blacked out in Sacramento? (I prefer LP when I can use it because it doesn’t have commercials)
Kings. Heat. No Napes.
Next.
All Jimmy Hats Matter!
Every Single One!!
No pants under those robes…
The best Kings TV Broadcast in Decades – NEXT!!
Looking forward to screaming inside.
Hey kids, your mom and I brought in a motivational speaker to help with your game summaries. He’s been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. Will, c’mon up!
OMG I’m so excited about the Point Jokic with Bol Bol on the court together experiment we’re seeing highlights of right now. Seriously rooting for BolBol
I didn’t catch any of that game but did you see his numbers? Pretty impressive for his first NBA minutes at any level.
Michael fucking Malone
No way…really??!!
Really! there’s a twitter with the heights of each guy in it, I forget how tall Millsap is, but it went: Jokic – 7′, Grant – 6’8″, Bol – 7’2″, Millsap, Plumlee -6’11”.
Vlade must of spazzed out seeing that.
Millsap is about 6’7. They really should have, and could have assuming he’s healthy, started the 6’10+ Porter in his place.
Badge Legend