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Kings Draft Bradley Beal: In A Sick, Sad World

By | 0 Comments | Feb 20, 2019

Exhibit G wraps up his Bradley Beal Prospectus.

Despite an abundance of options in the back court, the Kings select yet another shooting guard. Skepticism abounds as to how the Kings will manage the minutes of Tyreke Evans, Marcus Thornton, Isaiah Thomas, Jimmer Fredette, Francisco Garcia, and now Bradley Beal. The pick is regarded as a strong pick in terms of talent, but bad in terms of fit. Nobody is exactly sure where Geoff Petrie is, but nobody seems too concerned about it.

Beal finds his groove early, and becomes a crowd favorite. Beal can score with ease, and seems like a pretty good pick for the Kings, despite the lack of positional need.

As the Kings begin to emerge on the court, the Maloofs sink deeper into financial struggle off the court.

The family hires an "expert" with the specific purpose of "creating synergistic opportunities to leverage resources towards financial superiority." While nobody quite understands what that means, the Maloofs rent a conference room at the local La Quinta Inn and show a PowerPoint highlighting the experience and expertise of Mr. Jackson Moon.

Things take a terrible turn when Mr. Moon utilizes an obscure portion of player contracts to require Kings players to participate in shows at the Palms. Mr. Moon (or "Jackie", as he prefers) has Bradley Beal wrestle a live, untrained bear. David Stern rules the contract stipulation to be illegal under NBA Bylaws and "general common sense", but is too late to stop the bear wrestling match.

Beal fights valiantly, but the bear mauls him. It appears Beal is about to be eaten when Stern leaps from the rafters, his face painted like Sting, and subdues the bear in a sleeper hold. Stern lifts Beal onto his shoulders and leaves the cage. Beal is alive, but will never play basketball again, having suffered irreparable damage to both legs.

Beal participates in several wheelchair basketball charity games to raise money for the Bradley Beal Foundation, a charitable organization founded to raise awareness of the dangers of bear wrestling.

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