Chainmail: Summer League, signings, and more!

Greg’s eyes slowly pried open – another day of misery burgeoning before him.

His first thought, the same first thought that occurred to him every day of his existence. swirled around in his brain. Why did I sell those shares, and why did I listen to Will, of all people? 

His second act every morning was also the same. He checked his Golden 1 Credit Union checking account (there was no savings account). The balance totaled a paltry $6.23.

With those masochistic habits out of the way, Greg showered, ate breakfast, and grabbed his art kit before heading out the door and bicycling his way to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. On the way, his thoughts wandered back to the past few years.

After retiring from The Kings Herald and selling his shares for a cool $17.5 million, Greg had been approached by Will, who had a brilliant investment idea, or so it seemed at the time. Greg could picture it like it was yesterday.

(Pretend there’s some sort of visual imagery indicating a flashback, dear reader)

(Now, imagine it’s Will, however you imagine Will)

“Greg, I think if we take your new cash and put it into a crazy good restaurant idea, we’re gonna make millions.” Will said eagerly as he dumped maple syrup on his French toast at Pancake Circus.

Now that I think about it, ordering French toast at Pancake Circus was my first indicator Will wasn’t someone to be trusted with business decisions. Greg thought to himself. But back to the memory.

“Don’t I already have millions?” Greg asked Will.

“Sure, but don’t you want your millions to have millions?” asked Will.

“I guess, but we should probably call Tim or Zach Lowe and ask their opinions about spending a bunch of money.” replied Greg.

“Ah, they’re basically the same person. You know what they’ll say anyway.” said Will. “Let’s just get after it. Hear me out. We build out a restaurant chain. It’s theme is mediocre wings, mediocre burgers, and mediocre sides. We call it Buffalo Wilder Wings.” 

“Doesn’t that already exist?” asked Greg.

“No, no, no. Listen. We make the wings even more mediocre. We make the prices even more questionable. We make the tables slightly more sticky. It’s BWW but on a whole other level!

Millions of dollars, six lawsuits, four settlements, and two judgments later, Greg pulled his bike onto the Santa Cruz boardwalk: embarrassed, humbled and broke.

Heading to his usual spot, Greg put out his sign: Caricatures (no nudes) – $40. Color: $50. Nudes, if you really want them: $120

Business was slow, as usual, but it was steady enough to pay for a personal Round Table pizza and some Surge.

As the afternoon wore on, the clientele decreased, but one man approached, wearing a hoodie pulled up tight. I’m not getting robbed again. Greg thought to himself as he reached for his phone to call 9-1-1.

But the client didn’t rob him. He carefully removed his hood and asked for a caricature – color, no nudes. Greg immediately recognized one of his childhood idols – Alfonso Ribeiro!

“Oh my gosh, it’s you, it’s Carlton!” Greg exclaimed.

“My name is Alfonso Ribeiro, and I hated Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and every memory associated with it. No, I won’t “do the Carlton”. No, I won’t sign an autograph. No, I don’t have Will Smith’s number. You will refer to me as Mr. Ribeiro, not Carlton or Carlton Banks. You will not speak to me unless spoken to. You will not refer to anything having to do with that stupid television show. I want a color caricature. I will not be upcharged. I will not pay a tax on this little picture. Do. I Make. Myself. Clear. Alfonso said.

“Um, sure, I’m sorry. I was just excited. That’s all. I loved your work, I mean, I think you’re, oh I don’t know. Let’s just get to drawing. I’ll just need you to hold still so I can capture your magnificence. Greg replied.

The next 6 hours were pure misery. Alfonso was constantly on his phone, turning away and ruining drafts. He was rude to Greg. He demanded Greg DoorDash him food from an expensive restaurant. He laughed at the other caricatures Greg had posted as advertisements. And then, he revealed a piece of information that would forever change Greg’s life. In a phone call with someone Greg assumed to be his lawyer, Alfonso described “destroying some fool who tried to open a rival to Buffalo Wild Wings, which I own 40%” and “Yeah, the idiot called it Buffalo Wilder Wings”. 

Sitting before him was his childhood hero and sworn enemy. He would have his revenge in the best way he knew how.

Greg slowly began making changes to the caricature without Alfonso noticing. He smirked as he put on the final touches.

“Mr. Alfonso, this one’s on me. I’ve finished.” Greg said as he handed the turned-over canvas to his nemesis.

As he watched Alfonso Ribeiro’s face turn from delighted to shocked to hatred, Greg glanced down at his handiwork. There was modern day Alfonso Ribeiro “doing the Carlton”.

“What. Have. You. Done?” Alfonso half-cried and half-screamed.

“Why, Carlton, I drew you, Banks. 

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Welcome back to the mailbag! Over the last several weeks, the Kings have made some draft picks, signed some players who technically play in the National Basketball Association, and participated in Summer League. Throw your questions below, and we’ll answer the best ones in a few days!