Chainmail: The Kings mailbag is back!

Greg slowly awoke to the world around him. Eyes gritty. Mouth grimy. Head pounding. Stomach thinking his throat’s been cut. 

I’ve gotta lay off those white claws. 

He had drunk himself to sleep last night after nearly revealing his deepest, darkest secret during the annual Kings Herald karaoke night. First, he had sung Complicated by Avril Lavigne – a crowd favorite and none too suspicious. But after a couple of shots with Ty Corbin, Ghost by Justin Biber just coursed through his veins – he couldn’t stop himself! But perhaps worst of all, his awful Ryan Reynolds and Drake impressions at the bar made some folks eye him suspiciously. 

At least I didn’t apologize for everything I did. Greg thought to himself. 

Pulling himself out of bed, Greg began to dress: blue jeans, a red and white striped shirt, an American pin, and a worn-out “I Voted!” sticker. Every day, his outfit remained the same, although the sticker was occasionally replaced with one from the batch he had snagged on eBay. 

Today was both the best and worst day of the week for Gregarooni. Saturdays were paydays. Not because he was paid on an odd schedule, but because on Saturdays, famed director and producer Christopher Nolan paid Greg $10,000 to lead a wine and paint class at his ultra-mansion just outside of Denver. Was Greg good at painting? No. Was Greg good at teaching? Absolutely not. Was Greg a famous podcaster and Kings writer who gave some street cred to Christopher Nolan’s friend group? Apparently. 

So what made these nights so freaking miserable? Among the group that gathered every Saturday night, Christopher Nolan was the fastest of the bunch. He was the best of the bunch. He was the smartest of the bunch. He was the most talented of the bunch. But was also kind of an asshole who knew how great he truly was, and he let everyone know it. 

Reminds me a bit of Tim, who reminds me a lot of Zach Lowe. Greg chuckled to himself. 

Class began in a mostly normal fashion that evening. As Christopher Nolan and his friends poured themselves some heavy glasses of fine wine, Greg introduced the subject matter of the day – one of his originals – Six Birds in Flight. A majestic image of a penguin, a chicken, a kiwi, an ostrich, an emu, and a kakapo soaring across the sunset, the African safari far below them. It was perhaps Greg’s favorite and most accurate piece. He truly loved it. 

But as per usual, Nolan began to tease and goad Greg once he got a glass or two deep. He would call Greg over and ask ridiculous, patronizing questions, such as “What’s this color?” (It was blue), or “Where do I put my paintbrush?”. Greg hated it, but the paycheck, which barely covered his Kings Herald membership fee, was worth it. Today was no different. 

Fifteen minutes into class, Nolan raised his hand and called out, “Greggy! Oh, Greggy boy! I need helllllllp!”

Greg sauntered over, unimpressed. 

“Can you help me with my painting, Mr. Master Teacher, sir?” Nolan asked. 

“What do you need help with, Mr. Nolan?” Greg replied. 

“Oh, call me by my first name. I always tell you that. Anyway, can you tell me what this creature is in your example? I’ve painted five birds, but I can’t quite interpret what the sixth one could be.” 

Greg peered over Nolan’s shoulder to observe what he had accomplished thus far. A perfect penguin, chicken, kiwi, ostrich, and emu sailed across a sunset that, Greg hated to admit to himself, was even more majestic than the original. Despite 45 minutes remaining in the one-hour session, Nolan had managed to recreate and improve upon his best work, with only the kakapo missing. 

“What could that last animal be? Is it a mammal or a reptile? Perhaps a rodent?” Nolan asked. 

“You know what that is, Mr. Nolan,” Greg replied. 

“Use my first name! And you tell me what it is or I’ll find another Kings podcaster to teach my wine and art class. Do you understand?!” Nolan yelled. 

Greg sighed aloud but answered, the $10,000 check sitting heavy in his pocket. 

“It’s only been fifteen minutes, and that’s your sixth fowl. Chris, do your art, eh?”

Welcome back to the Kings Herald mailbag! Feel free to throw your questions in the comments below, and Will and I answer as many as possible. Get to asking so we can get to answering!