Kings vs Lakers Preview: The Once and Future Stink

Coming off the heels of a victorious dogfight against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Wednesday, the Sacramento Kings are in Southern California to take on that other team in L.A. – the Sun City of NBA franchises, where legends go to get endorsement deals based on their pre-established legacies after they’ve given up on trying for championships with more deserving teams, and where role players go to get overhyped by sixty thousand current amateur photoshop artists, former set-dressers falsely claiming on resumes to have been technical directors. An entire fanbase consisting of Day-1 $8 Twitter Blue subscribers and then like, 4 decent sportswriters that I actually enjoy.

Yes, the Kings take on the Zankou Chicken of NBA franchises, a description that I mean more in the “true-crime podcast” sense than the “delicious garlic sauce” way. They’ll do so without seeing King James, who has taken a page out of another elderly monarch’s playbook by relinquishing control to a younger, but much worse successor while his decrepit body slowly shuts down for the final time. Only difference is, the Queen of England got a parade at the end of her reign.

Let’s talk Kings basketball!

When: Friday, November 11th, 2022, 7:30 PM PT
Where: DefinitelyNotExpensivePogs.Com Arena
TV: NBC Sports California
Radio: Sactown Sports 1140

For Your Consideration

Going HAM: I feel no sympathy for this Lakers squad. A monument to the hubris of Rob Pelinka, The Buss Family, and World Wide Wes, this team is the NBA equivalent of Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Ozymandias” –  the two vast and trunkless legs of stone
standing in the desert are just Anthony Davis’s feet in walking boots, the shattered visage is Russell Westbrook’s post-Thunder career and when Lebronzymandias, King of Kings commands us to look on his works and despair, it’s just some social media coordinator with access to his Twitter account telling us that Space Jam 2 is currently on HBOMax.

This team sucks. They’re third to last in scoring per game, in the bottom ten in opponent points per game and have the second worst net rating in the NBA. Hey here’s a fun one: seeing as how their core of stars is both aging rapidly and also incredibly fragile, it makes sense that they’re currently running at the 2nd fastest pace in the league, right? Darvin Ham was my favorite for the Kings job this summer, he’s one of the few people living in Los Angeles that I have respect for, but whatever it is that he was brought in to do, he hasn’t been doing through 10 games. Does that mean anything for the long run? Hell no. I’m sure they’ll find a way to turn Russ into a Sixth Man of the Year front runner, just like I’m sure they’ll find some trade to bail them out of all this bad decision making. They’re the Lakers, they get bailed out more than American banking and financial institutions. But for now, they’re sinking like Jerry West’s opinions of Adam McKay, and for that, I rejoice.

Like I said before, Lebron’s not gonna be here. As far as I know, the wind isn’t blowing faster than a few miles an hour and it’s still too warm for ice in LA so Anthony Davis should be a go. As is Russell Westbrook. Those two guys, bolstered by Patrick Beverley and a slew of nameless faceless extras are still enough to beat a Kings team that’s unprepared. This is a trap game in years past for Sacramento, who’d be looking past LA for their vengeance match with the Warriors on Sunday and would let Kendrick Nunn go for 35 in a 7 point loss. That’s what a Luke Walton team would do. Well to be completely fair, that’s what an Alvin Gentry, Luke Walton, Dave Joerger, George Karl, Ty Corbin, Keith Smart, Paul Westphal Kenny Natt, Reggie Theus and Eric Musselman team would do too… And if I’m being more than fair, it’s what a Mike Malone team did on occasions, as well.

If a Mike Brown team wants to distinguish itself from the crowd, if it wants to be taken seriously by the league, this is a game they should absolutely go to town on. I won’t even talk about the starting unit here. Say Fox and Sabonis and the whole starting group can only muster breaking even against Anthony Day-to-Davis and Russ. What about the benches? Led by Malik Monk’s outstanding play of late, the Sacramento Kings have the 5th highest scoring bench in the NBA, Los Angeles is 20th. Sacramento’s bench hits the most three’s in the NBA to the Laker’s 21st, shoot the 13th highest percentage from the field to LA’s 27th. Neither of these teams are good defensively, so if they want to get into a full on shootout, the Kings can absolutely get the drop on Lakers, if they want.

This Lakers team is floundering. The most passionate Laker in 2022 is an 84 year old employee of the Clippers who can’t stand that someone read his autobiography and used scenes from it in a show about how sexy John C. Reilly can be in 70’s era clothing and a Trump wig. Lebron is softly begging the league to give him Kyrie. Patrick Beverley and Russell Westbrook have to suspend a fantastic beef so that Rob Pelinka can trade one of them at the deadline for a starting center and 37 wins. Anthony Davis… exists.

Don’t fuck around today, Sacramento. Crush them.

Prediction

Lakers couldn’t muster gas with $28 worth of Taco Bell per player. Fox runs circles around everyone so Pat Beverley starts using knees and flying elbows whenever applicable. Sabonis gets at least one Lakers photoshop on Elon Musk’s Twitter by halftime. The creator of that photoshop gets an email in the middle of third quarter that says they were passed over for whatever part-time gig they’re applying for. They were beat out by a former key-grip from Portland who always wanted to go to Julliard but has memory retention issues. They’ll never know that, but they’ll blame themselves for not having enough of that Mamba mentality to get the job and will blow off steam by going to one of the seven OnlyFans users they follow and calling them the worst names language has ever produced.

Kings: 122, Lakers: 107