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Kings vs Lakers Preview: The Once and Future Stink

The Sacramento Kings are in Los Angeles to take on the second worst team in the West.
By | 46 Comments | Nov 11, 2022

Coming off the heels of a victorious dogfight against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Wednesday, the Sacramento Kings are in Southern California to take on that other team in L.A. – the Sun City of NBA franchises, where legends go to get endorsement deals based on their pre-established legacies after they’ve given up on trying for championships with more deserving teams, and where role players go to get overhyped by sixty thousand current amateur photoshop artists, former set-dressers falsely claiming on resumes to have been technical directors. An entire fanbase consisting of Day-1 $8 Twitter Blue subscribers and then like, 4 decent sportswriters that I actually enjoy.

Yes, the Kings take on the Zankou Chicken of NBA franchises, a description that I mean more in the “true-crime podcast” sense than the “delicious garlic sauce” way. They’ll do so without seeing King James, who has taken a page out of another elderly monarch’s playbook by relinquishing control to a younger, but much worse successor while his decrepit body slowly shuts down for the final time. Only difference is, the Queen of England got a parade at the end of her reign.

Let’s talk Kings basketball!

When: Friday, November 11th, 2022, 7:30 PM PT
Where: DefinitelyNotExpensivePogs.Com Arena
TV: NBC Sports California
Radio: Sactown Sports 1140

For Your Consideration

Going HAM: I feel no sympathy for this Lakers squad. A monument to the hubris of Rob Pelinka, The Buss Family, and World Wide Wes, this team is the NBA equivalent of Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Ozymandias” –  the two vast and trunkless legs of stone
standing in the desert are just Anthony Davis’s feet in walking boots, the shattered visage is Russell Westbrook’s post-Thunder career and when Lebronzymandias, King of Kings commands us to look on his works and despair, it’s just some social media coordinator with access to his Twitter account telling us that Space Jam 2 is currently on HBOMax.

This team sucks. They’re third to last in scoring per game, in the bottom ten in opponent points per game and have the second worst net rating in the NBA. Hey here’s a fun one: seeing as how their core of stars is both aging rapidly and also incredibly fragile, it makes sense that they’re currently running at the 2nd fastest pace in the league, right? Darvin Ham was my favorite for the Kings job this summer, he’s one of the few people living in Los Angeles that I have respect for, but whatever it is that he was brought in to do, he hasn’t been doing through 10 games. Does that mean anything for the long run? Hell no. I’m sure they’ll find a way to turn Russ into a Sixth Man of the Year front runner, just like I’m sure they’ll find some trade to bail them out of all this bad decision making. They’re the Lakers, they get bailed out more than American banking and financial institutions. But for now, they’re sinking like Jerry West’s opinions of Adam McKay, and for that, I rejoice.

Like I said before, Lebron’s not gonna be here. As far as I know, the wind isn’t blowing faster than a few miles an hour and it’s still too warm for ice in LA so Anthony Davis should be a go. As is Russell Westbrook. Those two guys, bolstered by Patrick Beverley and a slew of nameless faceless extras are still enough to beat a Kings team that’s unprepared. This is a trap game in years past for Sacramento, who’d be looking past LA for their vengeance match with the Warriors on Sunday and would let Kendrick Nunn go for 35 in a 7 point loss. That’s what a Luke Walton team would do. Well to be completely fair, that’s what an Alvin Gentry, Luke Walton, Dave Joerger, George Karl, Ty Corbin, Keith Smart, Paul Westphal Kenny Natt, Reggie Theus and Eric Musselman team would do too… And if I’m being more than fair, it’s what a Mike Malone team did on occasions, as well.

If a Mike Brown team wants to distinguish itself from the crowd, if it wants to be taken seriously by the league, this is a game they should absolutely go to town on. I won’t even talk about the starting unit here. Say Fox and Sabonis and the whole starting group can only muster breaking even against Anthony Day-to-Davis and Russ. What about the benches? Led by Malik Monk’s outstanding play of late, the Sacramento Kings have the 5th highest scoring bench in the NBA, Los Angeles is 20th. Sacramento’s bench hits the most three’s in the NBA to the Laker’s 21st, shoot the 13th highest percentage from the field to LA’s 27th. Neither of these teams are good defensively, so if they want to get into a full on shootout, the Kings can absolutely get the drop on Lakers, if they want.

This Lakers team is floundering. The most passionate Laker in 2022 is an 84 year old employee of the Clippers who can’t stand that someone read his autobiography and used scenes from it in a show about how sexy John C. Reilly can be in 70’s era clothing and a Trump wig. Lebron is softly begging the league to give him Kyrie. Patrick Beverley and Russell Westbrook have to suspend a fantastic beef so that Rob Pelinka can trade one of them at the deadline for a starting center and 37 wins. Anthony Davis… exists.

Don’t fuck around today, Sacramento. Crush them.

Prediction

Lakers couldn’t muster gas with $28 worth of Taco Bell per player. Fox runs circles around everyone so Pat Beverley starts using knees and flying elbows whenever applicable. Sabonis gets at least one Lakers photoshop on Elon Musk’s Twitter by halftime. The creator of that photoshop gets an email in the middle of third quarter that says they were passed over for whatever part-time gig they’re applying for. They were beat out by a former key-grip from Portland who always wanted to go to Julliard but has memory retention issues. They’ll never know that, but they’ll blame themselves for not having enough of that Mamba mentality to get the job and will blow off steam by going to one of the seven OnlyFans users they follow and calling them the worst names language has ever produced.

Kings: 122, Lakers: 107

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Jman1949
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November 11, 2022 8:37 am

We should go get a win this time ‘round;
Play solid defense and rebound.
L.A. has been reeling
And I have a feeling
At least one of their “stars” is outbound!

RobHessing
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November 11, 2022 9:16 am
Reply to  Jman1949

There once was a team from LA,
that invited our Sactown to play.
LeBron’s on a crutch,
man I want this so much!
Win and
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Klam
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November 11, 2022 9:22 am
Reply to  RobHessing

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Kosta
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November 11, 2022 10:20 am
Reply to  RobHessing

Now I have Anyway You Want It stuck in my head.

Thanks! (Sincerely!)

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murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:40 pm
Reply to  Jman1949

still good

JackassCentral916
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November 11, 2022 8:41 am

THAT is a Will Griffith preview! The mad scientist of Kings Herald.

ZillersCat
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November 11, 2022 8:43 am

What could go wrong?
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Last edited 1 year ago by ZillersCat
ScottyPop
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November 11, 2022 8:47 am

It’s gonna be a good weekend y’all.

Taking down the Fakers tonight. Always good feels.

Sunday revenge game for the atrocious officiating last week. Always good feels to beat the W’s with all those bandwagoners in our building.

Then we’re 6-6 and arrow is UP!

Let’s do this Kings!

Yakshi
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November 11, 2022 9:02 am

Brilliant mix of sarcasm and, well, sarcasm. I laughed out loud at the SpaceJam 2 line.

Marty
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November 11, 2022 9:05 am

You have written many great things, beautiful things, perfect things.

None better than this, the latter part which hits close to home.

where legends go to get endorsement deals based on their pre-established legacies after they’ve given up on trying for championships with more deserving teams, and where role players go to get overhyped by sixty thousand current amateur photoshop artists, former set-dressers falsely claiming on resumes to have been technical directors. An entire fanbase consisting of Day-1 $8 Twitter Blue subscribers

Klam
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November 11, 2022 9:12 am

Luck the Fakers!

Kingsguru21
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November 11, 2022 9:26 am

I see LA brings out the A+ quality snark. Where’s this hatred for the Warriors (who are far more deserving)?

But alas, whatever brings it about is much appreciated. Great preview, boyo.

Want2win
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November 11, 2022 12:42 pm
Reply to  Kingsguru21

For me it’s been a victim of attending game seven of the 2002 WCF And all of the other games for Laker fans were just obnoxious. At least Stephen Curry is a likable human being

Adamsite
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Nostradumbass 14
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November 11, 2022 3:03 pm
Reply to  Want2win

And the Warriors never prevented the Kings from winning a championship for the city of Sacramento. Hell, the Warriors haven’t even kept the Kings from making the playoffs.

murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:45 pm
Reply to  Want2win

I was there. I hated that. I hurt for years and still hurt.
and I also don’t like the smug duds- and lil stephie is NOT a likeable human being- he is a fake, he mocks other teams and players and is a little brat show off.

andy_sims
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November 13, 2022 4:59 pm
Reply to  Want2win

That was the first Kings game I ever attended.

murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:43 pm
Reply to  Kingsguru21

yes ! the duds are far more deserving of hate but the old stink of the fakers just won’t go away.
I am so tired of that smug coach steve and his Tucker Carlson visage and little side smirk.

AmateurNerd
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November 11, 2022 9:36 am

There is so much salt in this preview, and boy howdy, it is delicious.

mdeedublu
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November 11, 2022 10:06 am

You’re on a roll today, outstanding preview!

Bluejohn
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November 11, 2022 10:11 am

Will, the first 2 paragraphs were the most fantastic opening segments of a lead into a piece about a basketball game or any sport I have ever read. Amazing preview even if I don’t know anything about Ozymandias. Nicely done.

Kosta
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November 11, 2022 10:17 am

Yes, the Kings take on the Zankou Chicken of NBA franchises, a description that I mean more in the “true-crime podcast” sense than the “delicious garlic sauce” way. 

My GF at the time (circa 2015) told me her family loved Zankou’s and she said the sauce was the secret that made it all so good. So I found out you could just buy individual tiny containers of it at the register. In the morning I’d run to the nearest Zankou’s and pay some change for a container, bring it home and use it in my breakfast sandwich I’d make for her breakfast. It made the sandwich better! I think I eventually told her my secret.

The famous GIF of Larry David debating two sides is from the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about the Palestinian Chicken restaurant based on Zankou’s, where Larry has to decide which side of a protest to stand with….the Palestinian Chicken (Larry was sleeping with the beautiful Palestinian woman) or the Jewish side that he was born into.

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Speaking of protests, I saw on twitter that some L*kers fans are trying to protest L*kers management because they’re fed up with the losing season.

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Kosta
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November 11, 2022 10:31 am
Reply to  Kosta

Any Kings fans in LA going to show up at this protest tonight?

Last edited 1 year ago by Kosta
richie88
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November 11, 2022 4:45 pm
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A few of them probably root for the LA Kings too. 🤢

Ellis5
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November 11, 2022 12:37 pm
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“CRYTO.COM ARENA” … lol.

Kosta
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November 11, 2022 12:49 pm
Reply to  Ellis5

LOL!

I didn’t see that earlier, haha

RobHessing
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November 11, 2022 3:07 pm
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Power Balance Pavilion, 2.0!

murraytant
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November 11, 2022 5:39 pm
Reply to  Ellis5

Heat just broke ties with FTX and will re-name their arena.
Crypto is a bit risky. and which NBA star was pitching it?

murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:47 pm
Reply to  Kosta

there is nothing that Jeanie and Rob a can do except hide.

kfipp
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November 11, 2022 11:24 am
RobHessing
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November 11, 2022 11:36 am
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Klam
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November 11, 2022 11:51 am
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Ellis5
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November 11, 2022 12:44 pm
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Kosta
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November 11, 2022 12:07 pm
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murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:48 pm
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don’t like this guy.

Ellis5
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November 11, 2022 12:33 pm

Just the best. So good I read it twice.

Kosta
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November 11, 2022 1:03 pm

Fun to see De’Aaron Fox getting love on NBA Today

RobHessing
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November 11, 2022 1:59 pm
Reply to  Kosta

You look at how likeable this roster is, how likeable the coaching staff is. If/when this team begins stringing real success and momentum, this city is going to come off of its hinges.

rockbottom
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November 11, 2022 2:02 pm
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Fun team to watch and pull for and this is a start to what fans expect .

murraytant
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November 11, 2022 3:49 pm
Reply to  WGriffith

good intro.

ZillersCat
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November 11, 2022 3:53 pm
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Last edited 1 year ago by ZillersCat
RowJimmy
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November 11, 2022 5:40 pm
Reply to  WGriffith

The BEST in the business. Great write up Will.

UpgradedToQuestionable
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November 11, 2022 7:14 pm

Fun read Will, well done.

Random Question: Has a game score prediction ever hit? It’s a Powerball question I guess, but just wondering. Today’s lucky numbers (Sac 122- LA 107) seem to be awfully good choices (though I would like KZ and Chime to hold LA below 100).

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